Bring Back The Stocks - it may be you missed this earlier rant!
For those who are acquainted with the gruesome goings on in Midsomer, then read on, dear friends, read on...
There have been a number of people who have identified the disturbing link between the decision by Joyce Barnaby (wife of DCI Barnaby) to join a new club, group or similar gathering of souls in one of the countless 'sleepy villages' that seem to be the only type of conurbation in Midsomer (there's never a Tesco, is there…) and a sudden and bewildering spate of deaths that subsequently ensues.
Pause Live Action for example, commented on this back in 2010.
However, whilst the presence of Joyce is depicted as nothing more than a simple coincidence, I'd like to offer a dark and chilling alternative.
Joyce Barnaby is a serial killer!
Like some ancient Valkyrie she scans the wide expanse of Midsomer, deciding who must die and who will live...
And as for DCI Barnaby, whilst appearing diligent and honest as he investigates the ever growing pile of brutally and imaginatively murdered victims, well he's actually so besotted with the love of his life that he is, in fact, cynically manipulating countless witnesses (off camera of course) and carefully tampering with evidence in order to ensure that Joyce is rarely, if ever, even a suspect, let alone implicated in one of her many crimes.
'But the killers always confess!' I hear the shocked and horrified Midsomer Murder devotees screaming into their Horlicks.
Of course they do, I reply, because DCI Barnaby is so awesomely and fantastically good at what he does that the 'killers' actually end up believing themselves that they committed the crime! There's always, after all, means, motive and opportunity!!
But what about all those instances (and there are quite a few, admittedly) where Joyce Barnaby isn't actually part of the Midsomer Crumbly Reading Club where the victim is found impaled on a copy of Canterbury Tales, or the Midsomer Boner Women's MahJong Fellowship where the victim was found crushed flat under two tonnes of MahJong tiles?
Well, can I just suggest that you listen out for DCI Barnaby saying:
'Hello, Cully, what are you doing here?'
Like mother, like daughter…?