Showing posts with label Blatter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blatter. Show all posts

Sunday, 22 June 2014

Getting the Time Right

Continuing my recent spate of (popular) football related posts in honour of the ongoing World Cup, I've decided to have a dig at that aspect of The Beautiful Game which probably causes more angst and dismay than any other:
Time Wasting.



Now I was going to spend a little bit of time going into all those intensely annoying techniques whereby professional footballers frustratingly whittle away the seconds (and so deny the paying public of what it is they've actually come to watch i.e. football!), but instead I'm going to point you towards a blog which has already done that in a very comprehensive way indeed:

15 time wasting tactics in football

This gives me the opportunity to offer up my grand master-plan for eliminating this annoying aspect once and for all.
Stop The Clock!
Sounds simple, doesn't it, and in a way, it is.
All you need is a guy with a stopwatch (or, for the more sophisticated level of the game, a guy in the stand with a finger linked to a big clock!) who's been given a set of simple rules:

  • when the ball goes out of play (for a throw-in or goal-kick), stop the clock.
  • when the ball goes back in play, start the clock.
  • when the referee blows his whistle for a foul, stop the clock.
  • when the free kick/penalty is taken, start the clock.
  • when the substitution is being made, the clock is stopped.
Each half of football will be reduced to thirty minutes (giving us an hour of actual play), which equates nicely with the rough average of 56 minutes of actual football in a current 90 minute match.
It also means that, at the end of each half, there will be a clear and unequivocal understanding of how long is left to play (so no more Fergie-time!)
It will also do away with players feigning injuries, kicking the ball away, last minute substitutions to run down the clock…in fact, many of the things which really piss the viewing public off.

Are you listening, Sepp?
Are you?






Tuesday, 17 June 2014

The Meaning of LiFIFA - Part 2

Following the somewhat stunning success (in terms of comments and page views) of yesterday's initial 'The Meaning of LiFIFA' I have, like all good Hollywood producers, decided to try and mine this rich seam for as long as I possibly can, even with the knowledge that it is likely to be subject to the law of diminishing returns. I have therefore produced another set of new additions to the footballing vocabulary. - see below.
If it's anywhere near as successful as the first one, I'll keep on going until I either run out of ideas or you guys out there become bored with it all (that's right, a bit like Heroes).


MWEPU (n.)
A mental aberration, moment of madness


Example of usage - 'You'll have to forgive him, Archdeacon. He's clearly had a Mwepu. I'll get him to pull his trousers up now.'


CANTONA (n.)
Vengeance - derived from the little known Gallic version of the Greek goddess of divine retribution, Nemesis.


Example of usage - from an early draft of Samuel L Jackson's soliloquy in Pulp Fiction, by Quentin Tarantino: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and a furious Cantona those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.
The reference to Cantona was dropped amid fears that it wouldn't be understood in Skipton.


BLATTER (vb.)
To smooth the way (usually through coercion, intimidation or other nefarious means).
BLATTER (n.)
To be impervious to criticism, to not give a shit.


Example of usage (vb.) - 'I've just Blattered my teacher into giving me an A*' 
Example of usage (n.) - From FIFA's official nursery rhyme: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but nothing else will matter. I've got the job, I'm keeping it because I'm simply Blatter.


SUAREZ (n.)
Little known Uruguayan delicacy consisting of the the fleshy forearm of a Serbian. Best eaten raw, apparently.



DICANIO (adj.)
Irrelevant. Something that can be easily dismissed (like a red card from a referee).


Example of usage - 'I don't care what you think about my decision to shave off all my pubic hair. Your  opinion is Dicanio.'


ALCOCK (vb.) 
To stagger back comically and fall over like a big pussy.


CHILES (vb.)
To talk utter bollocks e.g. 'It's pouring down and the ref is enjoying his moment in the sun'


Example of usage - 'The missus won't stop Chilesing while the football is on!'



Saturday, 14 June 2014

The Ugly Truth about The Beautiful Game

Let's gone one thing straight.
Football is corrupt.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is either pitifully deluded or monumentally naive.

We've seen two examples of the superficial corruption of football in the last few days.
Firstly, there is the ongoing saga of the award of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar and the alleged greasing of a number of FIFA palms by one Mohamed Bin Hamman. Of course, Sepp Blatter and his cronies will no doubt continue to argue that a desert state, where summer temperatures are in the high 40s, which has no footballing pedigree and, at the time the world cup was awarded (before they shipped in a load of migrants and put them to work in conditions not unlike the Pharaohs used to consider best practice) no stadia, was the right and proper choice for the greatest footballing event in the world. And we won't even go into whether it should have gone to Russia in 2018!
Secondly, there was the decision by referee Nishimura to award a penalty to Brazil after 70 minutes of the opening match and, in so doing, go a long way to ensuring a much needed, morale-boosting victory for the host nation. Now everyone will have a view on whether there was sufficient contact for the amusingly named Brazilian striker Fred to go down as theatrically as he did, and everyone will have a view on whether the referee should have considered that to be worthy of a penalty or perhaps, more appropriately, a booking for the Brazilian for 'simulation' (or, as we Up North would call it, cheating). Conspiracy theorists will be able to argue long into the night about whether the referee had been 'nobbled', or whether he was looking to 'make his mark' on the game, or whether he was just too weak to pass up the chance to ingratiate himself with thousands of baying onlookers…who knows? But the fact remains that the instantaneous decision of one man, taken in the heat of the moment, more or less dictated the result of that game, a situation which, with all the technology now at the disposal of world sport, is simply unforgivable (and is, again, another example of the 'corruption' in football). In tennis, it is now possible to review where a ball travelling at 150 mph landed in relation to a painted line to an accuracy of a couple of millimetres - and yet in football they can't even determine with any certainty whether a player is offside (maybe because they're not even sure what the offside rule really is!!). For the last decade in rugby, it has been possible to review whether the ball has touched the ground and a try should be awarded - but in football, they've only just introduced the technology to figure out whether the ball has crossed the goal-line (four years too late for Frank Lampard and England!). And why, when it comes to critical decisions like penalty awards and goals being scored, why is it still beyond the wit of those who run football to pause the game, refer it to someone upstairs who has all this technology at their disposal, and take the time to get the decision right (like they do in cricket, for example…and please, spare me the argument about the third umpire still getting it wrong…it doesn't wash)?
Perhaps it's because the powers that be in 'the beautiful game' want the ambiguity and the uncertainty, because it makes the game easier to manipulate…



But there's one form of corruption of football that is, in my humble opinion, more insidious than either the grubby money grabbers at FIFA or the technological luddites…at FIFA. And this is becoming ingrained in the sport from the ridiculously paid 'professionals' right down the kids have a kick-about with jumpers for goalposts.
You see, my simplistic idea of sport is that it's about individuals, or a group of individuals, seeking acclaim and reward from their peers through the demonstration of natural talent, hard-earned skills, mental and physical toughness, and the strength of their determination to succeed. And all that is good, and should be encouraged, because these are the facets of mankind that push us all forward and make us all better.
But something has crept into sport in general, and into football most particularly, that has 'corrupted' this purist ideal.
The 'art' of deception.
It is no longer certain that a football team that has the most talented players, who have reached the peak of fitness, and who are managed by the most able football strategist, will be triumphant.
Why?
Because as Fred so ably demonstrated, even the best team can be defeated by those who have mastered the art of deception, have honed to perfection the ability to fool a gullible or corrupt official into awarding a penalty in the way that Fred managed to do, or getting another player sent-off by feigning a football hitting you in the face and rolling around as if you've been shot by a sniper (yes, I mean you, Rivaldo!!).
In other words, if you cheat better than everyone else, you'll probably win, and that, as a message to the wider world, is simply wrong.
And what's worse is the fact that when such blatant cheating takes place, no-one stands up and says 'Hey, that Fred who plays for Brazil, he's just a fucking cheat!!' Instead, pundits on television and in the newspapers and online use derisible euphemisms like 'he earned the penalty' or 'he drew the contact'. No, morons, what he did was gain an advantage by deceiving the referee and that, in anyone's book, is simply cheating…and I was always taught that Cheaters Never Prosper.
So if we fail to decry cheating when we see it, and if we begin to consider the ability to earn a free kick by throwing oneself on the floor and rolling around whilst screaming in agony, to be as important to success as dribbling or shooting or tackling, then the sport of football has succumb to the worst kind of corruption and I, for one, will simply stop watching it, because I prefer to watch something where the best of us is what counts, not the worst.