Showing posts with label Brazil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brazil. Show all posts

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Why were Brazil so bad? I have the answer!

Well, I watched it and I have to admit, I'm gob-smacked.
Whichever way you look at it, 7-1, at home, is a monumental thumping…and the 1 only came in the 90th minute…and only after Germany had missed a glorious chance to make it 8…



Anyway, whilst countless TV and newspaper pundits have all gone into frenzied analyses, blaming the absence of Neymar and Thiago Silva, bemoaning Brazil's 'lack of shape' (whatever that means) and shaking their heads solemnly at their inability to 'function as a unit' (whatever that means as well), I'd like to put forward an alternative theory as to why Brazil were so utterly, utterly shit:
It's all about the names.

I mean, just look at some of the fantastic names that won the World Cup for Brazil in 1970:
Pele, Carlos Alberto, Rivelino, Jairzinho

Then there's that awesome team that should have won the 1982 World Cup (but got their pockets picked by Italy's Paulo Rossi):
Socrates, Zico, Falcao, Batista, Edevaldo

And what about the 1994 World Cup winning team:
Ronaldo, Bebeto, Romario, Zinho, Leonardo

And in 2002, when they won it again, we had the likes of:
Rivaldo (though he's a bit of a knob! refer to my post on 16th June for details), Ronaldinho, Gilberto Silva, Roberto Carlos and the excellently named Vampeta

Now, compare those fabulous, evocative names with those we saw at the Belo Horizonte last night:
FRED, OSCAR, BERNARD, JO and, perhaps the most ridiculous of all, HULK

They are just crap names, aren't they? They certainly don't strike fear into the hearts of the opposition; I mean, Fred and Oscar are characters on Sesame Street, for fuck's sake!! And no-one but no-one should be allowed to use the name Hulk unless they are eight feet tall, green, angry and generally beating the shit out of an oil tanker.

So, my advice to the Brazilian footballing authorities is simple. Get to grips with the names which players adopt and apply these three simple rules:
1. All names must end in a vowel (and no, Jo doesn't count based on rule number 2) - let's face it, it's a millions times better when a commentator screams 'Rivelinooooooooooooo' as the ball hits the back of the net than it is when they try to do it with 'Bernardddddddddd' - go on, try it for yourself.
2. All names must have at least two syllables, but no more than four. Never just one.
3. The only exception to rules 1 & 2 - when the guy actually looks like he could be a Greek Philosopher!

Socrates



Thursday, 19 June 2014

Introducing the FIFA All Stars

Well, much to my surprise, my last few posts ('The Ugly Truth about The Beautiful Game' and 'The Meaning of LiFIFA 1, 2 & 3)' have turned out to be my most successful posts in terms of the number of page visits and the number of comments. (Thanks to everyone who's shown an interest and commented - you're all fabulous!)
So, in a cheap and tawdry effort to continue this increased traffic on my blog, I've decided to go for another football related post, one which I am sure will appeal not only to the money-grabbers at FIFA but also, perhaps, to a couple of billion football fans whose teams didn't make it to the spectacle in Brazil.



The FIFA All Stars.
It's a simple enough idea.
23 players chosen from all those countries that didn't qualify (no more than 2 players per country though) and managed by a special 'guest' manager (I'm thinking Fergie or The Special One).
Just think about it - that's potentially 23 more countries (and their fanbase) with a vested interest in the World Cup, which, in turn, means 23 more countries for TV rights, advertising, replica shirt sales, etc, etc. You'd have a player from China there, that's for sure!

But looking beyond the money and thinking just about the football (which I guess counts the guys from FIFA out), just consider if they'd had the FIFA All Stars in the past, then we'd have been able to see the likes of George Best, George Weah and Ryan Giggs strutting their stuff on the biggest footballing stage in the world - how genuinely cool would that have been.

So who thinks this is a fantastic idea?
Do you think Sepp and his buddies will cut me in for 10%?
And if you do, who should be in the FIFA All Stars squad for this World Cup?

Saturday, 14 June 2014

The Ugly Truth about The Beautiful Game

Let's gone one thing straight.
Football is corrupt.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is either pitifully deluded or monumentally naive.

We've seen two examples of the superficial corruption of football in the last few days.
Firstly, there is the ongoing saga of the award of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar and the alleged greasing of a number of FIFA palms by one Mohamed Bin Hamman. Of course, Sepp Blatter and his cronies will no doubt continue to argue that a desert state, where summer temperatures are in the high 40s, which has no footballing pedigree and, at the time the world cup was awarded (before they shipped in a load of migrants and put them to work in conditions not unlike the Pharaohs used to consider best practice) no stadia, was the right and proper choice for the greatest footballing event in the world. And we won't even go into whether it should have gone to Russia in 2018!
Secondly, there was the decision by referee Nishimura to award a penalty to Brazil after 70 minutes of the opening match and, in so doing, go a long way to ensuring a much needed, morale-boosting victory for the host nation. Now everyone will have a view on whether there was sufficient contact for the amusingly named Brazilian striker Fred to go down as theatrically as he did, and everyone will have a view on whether the referee should have considered that to be worthy of a penalty or perhaps, more appropriately, a booking for the Brazilian for 'simulation' (or, as we Up North would call it, cheating). Conspiracy theorists will be able to argue long into the night about whether the referee had been 'nobbled', or whether he was looking to 'make his mark' on the game, or whether he was just too weak to pass up the chance to ingratiate himself with thousands of baying onlookers…who knows? But the fact remains that the instantaneous decision of one man, taken in the heat of the moment, more or less dictated the result of that game, a situation which, with all the technology now at the disposal of world sport, is simply unforgivable (and is, again, another example of the 'corruption' in football). In tennis, it is now possible to review where a ball travelling at 150 mph landed in relation to a painted line to an accuracy of a couple of millimetres - and yet in football they can't even determine with any certainty whether a player is offside (maybe because they're not even sure what the offside rule really is!!). For the last decade in rugby, it has been possible to review whether the ball has touched the ground and a try should be awarded - but in football, they've only just introduced the technology to figure out whether the ball has crossed the goal-line (four years too late for Frank Lampard and England!). And why, when it comes to critical decisions like penalty awards and goals being scored, why is it still beyond the wit of those who run football to pause the game, refer it to someone upstairs who has all this technology at their disposal, and take the time to get the decision right (like they do in cricket, for example…and please, spare me the argument about the third umpire still getting it wrong…it doesn't wash)?
Perhaps it's because the powers that be in 'the beautiful game' want the ambiguity and the uncertainty, because it makes the game easier to manipulate…



But there's one form of corruption of football that is, in my humble opinion, more insidious than either the grubby money grabbers at FIFA or the technological luddites…at FIFA. And this is becoming ingrained in the sport from the ridiculously paid 'professionals' right down the kids have a kick-about with jumpers for goalposts.
You see, my simplistic idea of sport is that it's about individuals, or a group of individuals, seeking acclaim and reward from their peers through the demonstration of natural talent, hard-earned skills, mental and physical toughness, and the strength of their determination to succeed. And all that is good, and should be encouraged, because these are the facets of mankind that push us all forward and make us all better.
But something has crept into sport in general, and into football most particularly, that has 'corrupted' this purist ideal.
The 'art' of deception.
It is no longer certain that a football team that has the most talented players, who have reached the peak of fitness, and who are managed by the most able football strategist, will be triumphant.
Why?
Because as Fred so ably demonstrated, even the best team can be defeated by those who have mastered the art of deception, have honed to perfection the ability to fool a gullible or corrupt official into awarding a penalty in the way that Fred managed to do, or getting another player sent-off by feigning a football hitting you in the face and rolling around as if you've been shot by a sniper (yes, I mean you, Rivaldo!!).
In other words, if you cheat better than everyone else, you'll probably win, and that, as a message to the wider world, is simply wrong.
And what's worse is the fact that when such blatant cheating takes place, no-one stands up and says 'Hey, that Fred who plays for Brazil, he's just a fucking cheat!!' Instead, pundits on television and in the newspapers and online use derisible euphemisms like 'he earned the penalty' or 'he drew the contact'. No, morons, what he did was gain an advantage by deceiving the referee and that, in anyone's book, is simply cheating…and I was always taught that Cheaters Never Prosper.
So if we fail to decry cheating when we see it, and if we begin to consider the ability to earn a free kick by throwing oneself on the floor and rolling around whilst screaming in agony, to be as important to success as dribbling or shooting or tackling, then the sport of football has succumb to the worst kind of corruption and I, for one, will simply stop watching it, because I prefer to watch something where the best of us is what counts, not the worst.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

And we're worried about football over here...!

Now I'm not one of those people who would ever describe football as 'the beautiful game' - after all, it's awash with obnoxious prima-donnas who are obscenely overpaid, petulant, foul-mouthed and self-centred, and who (along with their vacuous, silicone-enhanced WAGs) provide the worst kind of role models for youngsters by their attitudes, actions and complete lack of humility and respect for authority and society.
However, whilst the excessive salaries, ridiculous injury over-acting, alleged rape and everything else associated with a sport that now seems bereft of morals results in my lamenting the state of football in this country, a quick glance overseas makes you realise that it could be worse!

Example 1 is from Nigeria where two football teams (one of which had the extraordinarily intimidating name of 'Police Machine FC') were vying for promotion. At half-time, Police Machine FC were leading their opponents (Bubayaro FC) 6-0, whilst their arch-rivals, the less impressively named Plateau United Feeders FC, were a goal better off in their match with Akurba FC at 7-0.
Christ only knows what went on in the dressing rooms at half-time (bribes, threats, an episode of Loose Women, you name it) but the fact that the 61 goals (yes, that's 61 goals, or a goal ever 45 seconds) scored by Police Machine was not enough to eclipse the 72 goals scored by PUF simply beggars belief (although there were some suggestions that PUF's 54th goal was off-side).
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/23240104
It makes the Guinness Book of Records highest score (Arbroath 36, Bon Accord 0) look like a highly competitive encounter!

But that is nothing compared to Example 2 from Brazil where a referee, frustrated that a player he had sent off had refused to leave the pitch, decided it would be a good idea to stab said player (fatally), whereupon the stabbed player's friends and family invaded the pitch and promptly chopped off the referee's head!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-23215676
I guess referee's in this country will listen to shouts of 'The referee's a wanker!' from the terraces and be thankful they're not hearing the sound of machetes being sharpened.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Riots - Who's are the best?

I'm not sure if any of you were aware, but there is now in place an unspoken international agreement that any country which hosts a major global sporting event must, in the preceding year, also host the World Riot Championships.
The 2013 World Riot Championships are currently taking place in Brazil in preparation for the 2014 World Cup, and, in a strange twist, that same country will be hosting the WRC again in 2015 in prelude to the 2016 Olympics.
Of course, many people following this blog in the UK will remember the London riots of 2011, which was the first occasion for a number of years that the WRC had been able to achieve the prominence which its 'world championship' status supposedly warrants; after all, the WRC in South Africa in 2009 went largely unnoticed and unreported (many people claim that this was because it was difficult to differentiate the WRC from the perennial urban discontent in that country), whilst the WRC in China 2007 really failed to get off the ground because the Chinese authorities were worried that such an event may resurrect memories of Tienanmen Square and young men in white shirts standing in front of tanks.
There is also, I understand, already preliminary discussions taking place in Doha regarding the 2017 WRC, where a request has been made that the riots take place in the cooler winter, rather than the raging heat of summer. No agreement on this has been reached.
It should also be noted that the WRC have filed an injunction against the rival Riot World Championship, claiming that its current championship in Turkey is illegal, a view (bizarrely) shared by Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
Finally, both the WRC and the RWC have welcomed the demise of the rival World Rioting Association, which had previously organised its riots to coincide with G8 summits; a spokesman for the WRC claimed that the WRA had 'failed to recognise the rioting ability of developing nations, and had paid the price for its elitism'.