Why were Brazil so bad? I have the answer!

Well, I watched it and I have to admit, I'm gob-smacked.
Whichever way you look at it, 7-1, at home, is a monumental thumping…and the 1 only came in the 90th minute…and only after Germany had missed a glorious chance to make it 8…

Anyway, whilst countless TV and newspaper pundits have all gone into frenzied analyses, blaming the absence of Neymar and Thiago Silva, bemoaning Brazil's 'lack of shape' (whatever that means) and shaking their heads solemnly at their inability to 'function as a unit' (whatever that means as well), I'd like to put forward an alternative theory as to why Brazil were so utterly, utterly shit:
It's all about the names.

I mean, just look at some of the fantastic names that won the World Cup for Brazil in 1970:
Pele, Carlos Alberto, Rivelino, Jairzinho

Then there's that awesome team that should have won the 1982 World Cup (but got their pockets picked by Italy's Paulo Rossi):
Socrates, Zico, Falcao, Batista, Edevaldo

And what about the 1994 World Cup winning team:
Ronaldo, Bebeto, Romario, Zinho, Leonardo

And in 2002, when they won it again, we had the likes of:
Rivaldo (though he's a bit of a knob! refer to my post on 16th June for details), Ronaldinho, Gilberto Silva, Roberto Carlos and the excellently named Vampeta

Now, compare those fabulous, evocative names with those we saw at the Belo Horizonte last night:
FRED, OSCAR, BERNARD, JO and, perhaps the most ridiculous of all, HULK

They are just crap names, aren't they? They certainly don't strike fear into the hearts of the opposition; I mean, Fred and Oscar are characters on Sesame Street, for fuck's sake!! And no-one but no-one should be allowed to use the name Hulk unless they are eight feet tall, green, angry and generally beating the shit out of an oil tanker.

So, my advice to the Brazilian footballing authorities is simple. Get to grips with the names which players adopt and apply these three simple rules:
1. All names must end in a vowel (and no, Jo doesn't count based on rule number 2) - let's face it, it's a millions times better when a commentator screams 'Rivelinooooooooooooo' as the ball hits the back of the net than it is when they try to do it with 'Bernardddddddddd' - go on, try it for yourself.
2. All names must have at least two syllables, but no more than four. Never just one.
3. The only exception to rules 1 & 2 - when the guy actually looks like he could be a Greek Philosopher!

Socrates

The Meaning of LiFIFA - Creating a New Football Vocabulary

In 1983, the incomparable Douglas Adams (in conjunction with John Lloyd - no, not the tennis player) produced a small book called 'The Meaning of Liff'
The Meaning of Liff on Amazon
As an homage to the great man and his fantastic idea, I have created below a list of new footballing terms that will, I'm sure, soon come into standard usage to describe all those things within The Beautiful Game that currently do not have a noun or verb specifically assigned to them.

Warning - contains strong language and images that are liable to offend (or at least bring back painful memories!)

RIJKARRD (vb.)
To spit at your opponent.

Example of usage - 'Ooh, look at that, he's done a Rijkaard right on the back of his head!'


KEANE (vb.)
To shout in the face of the referee when you disagree with his decision. Most effective when performed about four inches from the referee's face.

Example of usage - 'The full back is really Keaning the ref over his decision to award that free kick.'


KLINSMANN (n.)
A spectacular and unnecessary series of spins, flips and cartwheels, usually performed in the opponent's penalty area following contact equivalent to being side-swiped by a fly. Can be accompanied by a cry of agony that suggests a duodenal ulcer has just ruptured.

Example of usage - 'The centre-forward's done a Klinsmann in an attempt to win a penalty. What a knob!'


RONALDO (n.)
The wink of a smug bastard when you get an opponent sent off.

Example of usage - 'Is that a Ronaldo I see being performed - let's hope someone lamps him later!'


TWAT (n.)
Someone who performs Ronaldo against one of your team's players.


BECKHAM (n.)
A petulant kick aimed at an opponent which gets you sent off. A Beckham is best performed when your team is playing well and looking like being victorious in a World Cup last-16 match. It is most effective when the player receiving the Beckham makes an absolute meal of the slightest of touches and there's a preening, self-important tit of a Danish referee to brandish the red card!

Example of usage - 'Oh no, he's done a Beckham!'


RIVALDO (n.)
A type of pain felt in your face when a football (or anything else for that matter) hits you on a completely unrelated part of the body…like your thigh.

Example of usage - 'Looks like he's suffering from Rivaldo.'


ZIDANE (vb.)
To needlessly headbutt any Italian.

Example of usage - 'Ooh my, the centre-half's just Zidaned the opposition captain - nasty!'


MARADONA (n.)
The basic term for a cheating bastard.

Example of usage - 'He's been a right Maradona today!'


Please feel free to suggest others!