Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The mother of all farts!

For some obscure reason, I today feel the need to share with you this tale of how I came to discharge what was, in my humble opinion, the mother of all farts!
Therefore, for those of you who are of a feeble disposition, or those who do not enjoy references to gaseous bodily functions, or who have no interest in such things, can I suggest you stop reading now and return to read my next blog which, I promise, will have no reference to farts, belches, snot or any other discharges or emissions.
And if you are still reading, I am now assuming that you fall into the category of 'sufficiently fascinated'; as such, I shall continue.

I guess the first thing I need to emphasise is that this 'mega-fart', or more precisely the wind that created it, was not generated by natural means - believe me, to create that amount of gas would have require several hundredweight of baked beans or Brussels sprouts - no, the gas that eventually jetted forth was placed there during a monumentally uncomfortable medical procedure in which my intestines were deliberately inflated with air so that a (thankfully small) camera could have a look inside said intestines in the search for whatever it was that was (at the time) giving me regular and inconvenient bouts of 'the shits'.
[As a side note, it was eventually discovered that I have an inability to digest the skins of fruit, resulting in my body deciding that the best approach was a fast evacuation - so, since then, it's been nothing but peeled grapes for me!]
Anyway, returning to the medical procedure, and with camera now removed and dignity marginally restored (though I am thankful that I have never knowingly met any of those who performed the procedure at any social function since then...imagine how uncomfortable that would be!) I immediately made my way to the local McDonalds in order to gorge myself on as much food as I could, having previously starved myself for a couple of days in order to ensure that the view of the camera was not in anyway obscured by half-digested food remnants making their way slowly towards my bowel.
And yet, hungry though I was, I disappointingly found that I wasn't really able to consume the mass of food that I had bought; the reason why became apparent when I eventually got home, trotted to the loo and let off what was (for me at least) the loudest and longest fart ever produced.
It must have lasted at least twenty-five seconds.
It probably started at deep baritone and concluded as something akin to a castrato.
It had (and I have to mention this) no discernible odour (thank Christ!).
I am pretty sure that I saw my abdomen physically shrink as the fart progressed.
It probably registered on the Richter scale.
At its conclusion, I felt physically drained...and yet, enormously relieved, not just because that uncomfortable bloated feeling was gone, and not because of the realisation that I would be able to eat again - no the added relief was based on the fact that the mega-fart had not made its appearance whilst I stood in the line at McDonalds waiting to order my Chicken McSandwich et al.
Imagine if that had happened!

So, there you have it - a short confession about the day when I didn't just influence the course of a hurricane on the other side of the world, I actually created one on this side.