Project Caledonia Nirvana

The UK Government has today denied reports that, for the last eight months, a secret task-force known as The Jacobite Solution has, amongst other initiatives, been developing plans to 'manage through England' the ever-growing flow of illegal economic migrants from Africa, the Middle East and Eastern Europe, attracted by the UK's generous benefits system.
Extracts from a recent highly sensitive progress report to Home Secretary Teresa May by Sir Tristan Bumble, the task-force's strategic head, have allegedly been leaked onto the internet. The report's executive summary states:
'Since our last report (June 2014) on Project Caledonia Nirvana, the TJS Task-Force has continued its work to examine, evaluate, propose and prioritise the mechanisms (including infrastructure) that are likely to be needed in the event of a Yes vote for Scottish independence. Recent successes have been as follows:

1. the identification of a suitable migrant holding site at Longtown, north of Carlisle (codename Scotia-Sangatte);
2. confirmation of costs associated with aggressive information dissemination in source regions;
3. finalisation of information dissemination processes within the UK;
4. agreement from UK Border Force senior management to the implementation of a policy of 'blind-eye' entry to the UK for migrants able to demonstrate an intention to head for Scotland;
5. agreement with target train operators of a standard, low-cost price for off-peak 'South-to-North'  tickets to facilitate fast migration through England with minimum disruption.
6. confirmation from French authorities that, on confirmation of the success of Project Caledonia Nirvana, they will relax migrant controls in Northern France.

Based on these key successes, and on the other areas of progress outlined in detail in the body of this report, it can be confirmed that, with minimal investment (est. £20 million), flow-through of illegal migrants from Europe to an independent Scotland could be managed at 85,000 per annum. In addition, it is anticipated that the actions proposed would result in a net reduction of England & Wales-based migrants in the region of 30-40%.'

On these points, more detailed extracts from the report are as follows.

Point 1:

'Of the five potential migrant holding sites proposed in the last report, Option 2 (the disused farm on the northern outskirts of Longtown) has been deemed to be the most suitable in terms of access from key transport routes (Carlisle railway station, the M6 motorway), and is also the most desirable in terms of proximity to the border and potential ease with which migrants could make their way unhindered into Scotland. The holding site is sufficiently distant from the major conurbation of Carlisle itself to minimise any local problems and concerns, and the provision of basic humanitarian aid will ensure it quickly begins to attract the target demographic (note - any aid must be sufficiently basic to encourage migrants to attempt a border crossing at the earliest convenience). As it is likely that Scottish Authorities will take immediate actions to prevent cross-border migration, it is suggested that a small force of suitably trained individuals (probably from the Armed Forces) be encouraged to infiltrate the holding site on a permanent basis to disseminate the latest intel on those parts of the border where Scottish countermeasures are weakest and where the potential for a successful incursion are highest.'

Point 2:

'Appendix A contains detailed costing data associated with the development and maintenance of an aggressive strategy of information dissemination in those countries that currently represent the largest sources of economic migrants attempting to enter the UK (Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Libya, etc.). It is proposed to use a variety of media (including social media) to initially create and then to constantly reinforce the concept of Scotland as a new Nirvana in terms of social welfare and job prospects (note - significant use can be made of recordings of television interviews with, and political statements by, Alex Salmond in which he outlines how financially successful an independent Scotland will be).  This will run in parallel with a similar campaign to downplay the desirability of England as a potential migration destination on the basis of austerity cuts, poor healthcare, etc. (again, soundbites from Yes campaign politicians could be used, though there is sufficient material already available to reinforce this particular message). Initial studies suggest that this approach (which as we know has been used by the French for the last fifteen years to promote the UK as the country of choice for economic migration) will, we estimate, ensure that 80-90% of migrants will choose to continue their migration through England towards Scotland.'

Point 3:

'It can be confirmed that all desired information dissemination mechanisms targeting those migrants already in England & Wales are in place and can be initiated as and when required. It is proposed that this information offensive is coupled with a short, sharp, shock approach to perceived illegal migrant support in the remaining parts of the UK, wherein all benefits for migrants are cut quickly and brutally in a short period of time. If undertaken in the winter of 2014-15, this will also have significant political kudos ahead of the 2015 General Election.'

Point 4:

'Following meetings last week with UK Border Force representatives, it has been confirmed that it will be possible to implement a 'blind-eye' policy to those migrants whom border checks are able to confirm intend to 'pass-through' England and head for Scotland. Such individuals will, as a matter of course, be initially housed in either non-secure holding centres in the South-East, or placed into community-based accommodation (as is currently the case in most instances). It is anticipated that this approach will result in the desired outcome of a high level of abscondments.'

Point 5:

'The key stumbling block of how to encourage fast and effective transferral of migrants from the South-East to the Border (see Area of Concern No.3 in June 2014 Report) has now been addressed. An agreement has been reached with a number of targeted train operators whereby they will accommodate the travel of migrants on off-peak trains on the West Coast mainline. It has been agreed that this will be limited to trains whose first stop is Warrington Bank Quay, as it is considered unlikely that any migrants will choose to alight at any stations north of this point (Wigan North Western, Preston, Lancaster), given the choice of doing so - it is the North-West after all! Operators will also increase the number of signs on all Channel Port to London routes and also on The Underground which will direct individuals to northbound West Coast mainline trains at Euston.'

Point 6:

'Following a meeting with representatives of both the French Interior Ministry and the office of the Mayor of Calais, it can be confirmed that, once the UK Government is satisfied with the success of Project Caledonia Nirvana, the authorities in France will ensure the relaxation of controls over migrants attempting to gain access to England. This will include re-introducing their old techniques of holes in security fences, the dissemination of information detailing the best means of crossing the Channel, the provision of pamphlets about what to do when you get the UK (which will suggest heading for Scotland), reducing security in lorry parks near the port, etc.'

In response to the leaking of this report, a UK government spokesman has already been quoted as saying:

'The alleged existence of a task-force whose purpose, amongst others, would be to identify how best to transfer the burden of illegal economic migration from the UK as a whole to Scotland specifically is a complete fabrication. However, we do wish we'd thought of it!!'

That last comment was later withdrawn.