Thursday, 11 April 2013

A call from Mr Cameron

Well, my friends, it's finally happened (and not before time as far as I'm concerned).
Prime Minister Cameron has asked for my help in running the country.
Okay, so Dave hasn't actually rung me personally and said:
'Hey, Andy, we're in a bit of a fix here - there's all these problems with the country...you know, a flat-lining economy, a deficit that just seems to get bigger, bankers-who-are-knobs, the Euro going down the pan, big business ripping off the little man, a welfare system that's just broken, an NHS that's...well...pretty much broken too, Afghanistan, North Korea, Syria, the Falklands...oh yes, there's the fact that the lights will be going out soon because we've shut too many power stations and it's not windy enough...er...what else?...of course, policemen who sue victims of crime...this referendum thing in Scotland...and the fact that everyone thinks I'm a closet anti-Christian...oh, for fuck's sake, Andy, I really need your help!!'
It would be funny if he had phoned me up and said that, wouldn't it...?
Instead, he's sent me a three-page questionnaire, asking my opinion about 'Helping with the Cost of Living', 'Making Welfare and the Benefits System Fairer' and 'What Matters Most to You'.
It contains such questions as:
'What should happen to petrol duty in the future?' - interestingly, 'Abolish It' is not an option.
'Which bills are most worrying to you and your family?' - disappointingly, there is no multiple choice option for 'Really big ones!'
'What further action would you like to see taken to deal with high energy bills?' - come on, Dave...two measly lines..how the hell can that question be answered in just two lines?!? I could write an essay on that!

Of course, I'm going to do Dave a favour and respond to his questionnaire...but, because I'm a nice guy and feel it is my humble civic duty to prevent Great Britain from sinking any further into the stinking pile of shit that successive governments have created around us, I'm going to share with Dave, and with George and Nick and Wallace (sorry, Ed) and the other Ed whom I shall call 'Balls' in order to prevent confusion, all my profound wisdom, insight and savvy, through the medium of this very blog.
So, my friends, prepare yourself...
and for those of you living outside the UK, you can sit back contentedly and thank your lucky stars that you don't have these problems...unless of course you live in Greece...or Spain...or Portugal...or Cyprus...or Italy...or Ireland...or Germany (because you have to pay for everything)...