Monday, 16 June 2014

The Meaning of LiFIFA - Creating a New Football Vocabulary

In 1983, the incomparable Douglas Adams (in conjunction with John Lloyd - no, not the tennis player) produced a small book called 'The Meaning of Liff'
The Meaning of Liff on Amazon
As an homage to the great man and his fantastic idea, I have created below a list of new footballing terms that will, I'm sure, soon come into standard usage to describe all those things within The Beautiful Game that currently do not have a noun or verb specifically assigned to them.

Warning - contains strong language and images that are liable to offend (or at least bring back painful memories!)

RIJKARRD (vb.)
To spit at your opponent.


Example of usage - 'Ooh, look at that, he's done a Rijkaard right on the back of his head!'


KEANE (vb.)
To shout in the face of the referee when you disagree with his decision. Most effective when performed about four inches from the referee's face.


Example of usage - 'The full back is really Keaning the ref over his decision to award that free kick.'


KLINSMANN (n.)
A spectacular and unnecessary series of spins, flips and cartwheels, usually performed in the opponent's penalty area following contact equivalent to being side-swiped by a fly. Can be accompanied by a cry of agony that suggests a duodenal ulcer has just ruptured.


Example of usage - 'The centre-forward's done a Klinsmann in an attempt to win a penalty. What a knob!'


RONALDO (n.)
The wink of a smug bastard when you get an opponent sent off.


Example of usage - 'Is that a Ronaldo I see being performed - let's hope someone lamps him later!'


TWAT (n.)
Someone who performs Ronaldo against one of your team's players.


BECKHAM (n.)
A petulant kick aimed at an opponent which gets you sent off. A Beckham is best performed when your team is playing well and looking like being victorious in a World Cup last-16 match. It is most effective when the player receiving the Beckham makes an absolute meal of the slightest of touches and there's a preening, self-important tit of a Danish referee to brandish the red card!


Example of usage - 'Oh no, he's done a Beckham!'


RIVALDO (n.)
A type of pain felt in your face when a football (or anything else for that matter) hits you on a completely unrelated part of the body…like your thigh.


Example of usage - 'Looks like he's suffering from Rivaldo.'


ZIDANE (vb.)
To needlessly headbutt any Italian.


Example of usage - 'Ooh my, the centre-half's just Zidaned the opposition captain - nasty!'


MARADONA (n.)
The basic term for a cheating bastard.


Example of usage - 'He's been a right Maradona today!'


Please feel free to suggest others!