Saturday, 12 July 2014

Facing my Demons

I think I need to start this post with a warning.
Those of you out there in Readerland who have been kind enough to become regular followers of this blog will know that my posts are, on the whole, works of playful satire; opinionated, yes, occasionally controversial, that's true, but almost without exception, humorous (or at least they try to be!)
What they seldom are are introspective, reflective and maybe even just a little morose…probably because I myself am seldom any of those things.
Today, though, things are different.
Today's post is exactly that - introspective, reflective and just a little morose.
Well, maybe it's because I'm writing today's post for a different purpose - you see, this post is not for you, it's for me…and if, after reading up to this point, you think to yourself that you don't want to be burdened with someone else's concerns, or that you've had more than enough to people 'sharing' their feelings with others through the interweb, then I will completely understand it if you choose to click onto something more uplifting…
…so long as you come back tomorrow, when I guarantee I'll be writing something funny again!
After all, as someone once said: 'A problem shared is a problem halved, so is the problem really yours or just half of someone else's?'

Okay, still with me?
Then let us begin.

I've always found writing when I'm feeling down to be cathartic.
Well, I guess because, in trying to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and eventually come up with something that makes some semblance of sense either to myself or to someone else, writing forces me to follow a process, and that process forces me to think about all those things that are bothering me, to work out what (or who)'s behind them and to maybe understand why they're happening - okay, it doesn't automatically lead to neat solutions; far from it, in fact. But at least it allows me to get into a position where I 'know my demons'…

I have a lot of demons at the moment, that's for sure.
In fact, I think I can safely say that I've never had, at any time in my entire life, so many of demons - and nor can I recall a time when demons seem so fucking huge!!
I reckon I have four main demons at the moment.
The first is to do with work (we'll call it Pythius)
The second is to do with my health (we'll call it Merihem)
The third is to do with the health of a loved one (we'll call it Abaddon)
And the fourth one, which we'll call Asmodeus, is to do with something so trivial it really shouldn't even be mentioned in the same breath as the others…

…and yet, today, it is Asmodeus, with nothing more than a passing comment and a sneering look, that has caused me an inordinate amount of angst - and more annoyingly, it is angst born out of frustration because I know, deep down inside me, that Asmodeus is nothing more than an odious little gob-shite that has nothing better to do with its pathetic little existence than to enliven its own pointless life by trying to make itself feel bigger and better than others. I know that the easiest and simplest thing for me to do is to just look at Asmodeus with a pitying shake of the head, not say a word, then simply turn away from it and cast it from my thoughts, telling myself as I do so that it is just not even worth considering taking the time to think about worrying about what it says or thinks or does.
It really should be that simple.
So why is that so difficult to do…especially when I know that there are bigger and more difficult demons to tackle?
I guess any psychologists out there in Readerland will be able to describe far more capably and through the use of some really technical words my inability to ignore something which is trivial and focus instead on the more important things.
For me, though, the reason for my fixation on something so small is perhaps best described through an analogy:
My capacity to deal with my current adversities is a glass. It's quite a big glass, though it's nowhere near as big as I would like it to be, or as it was in the past. And, at the moment, it's a pretty fragile glass to boot. Already inside it, and filling it almost to the brim, is the liquid essence of Pythius, Merihem and Abaddon. These are huge things, swirling and eddying in the glass, looking out from within it with cold, baleful eyes, trying desperately to escape. But I'm finding the strength to keep them in the glass…and then, all of a sudden, I see that there's a little bit of Asmodeus dribbling into that glass…and the glass finally begins to overflow…and although its a mixture of all the demons that's spilling out all over the table top and making a mess, all I can see is that it's Asmodeus that is causing it and that means that I think only about how I can stop Asmodeus adding to my glass, when what I really need to do is deal with Pythius, Merihem and Abaddon, because once they're gone, or at least once they're reduced to something manageable, then there'll be more than enough room in my glass for anything that the nasty little fucker Asmodeus wants to put in there!
Does that make any sense at all?
Not quite sure that it will to you, but if it's any consolation, it does to me!

So what's the message to myself?
Ignore Asmodeus completely? Perhaps.
Or better, recognise Asmodeus for what it truly is (a short, sad, petty little fuckwit), decide to deal with it, yes, but decide to deal with it in my own way, at my own pace, and make the situation mine to control…and in so doing stop the git from dribbling into my glass!
As for Pythius, Merihem and Abaddon - it's time to take a deep, deep breath, look these nasty demons straight in their many eyes and tell them that they've picked the wrong dude to fuck with!