Sunday, 17 August 2014

Notice of Sale

I just thought I'd share with you one of the seven fabulous short stories contained in my incredibly unsuccessful book 'God, Aliens, Death & Teapots'.
I know, I'm just too good to you people!!

Notice of Sale

We at Moff, Cavil, Cotto and Associates are delighted to announce a rare opportunity to acquire a traditional, well-maintained planet in the much sought-after Orion Arm region of the Milky Way, with spectacular night-time views across the Equatorial Symmetry Plane.
The planet, current designation ‘Earth’, is ideally situated on the inner edge of the Orion Arm, in a largely unspoilt and undeveloped part of the galaxy, yet still within easy commuting distance of the Galactic Centre.
Formed approximately 4.54 billion years ago from entirely local gaseous matter and dust, Earth is a classical spherical shape (with negligible elliptical distortion) and has an equatorial circumference of 40,000 kilometres. It sits in its own extensive region of space, sufficiently distant from its two nearest neighbours (designations ‘Venus’ and ‘Mars’) to provide total privacy (note – both neighbouring planets are currently uninhabited and not expected to come onto the market within the next century).
Boasting a local G-type ‘yellow dwarf’ main-sequence star with confirmed hydrogen reserves guaranteeing steady and continuous operation for approximately 5.4 billion years, the planet has an average annual temperature of 14.5 oC with extremes of between +57 oC and -90 oC (note – due to recent unregulated carbon dioxide emissions, the planet is likely to experience a minimum rise in average global temperatures of 2 oC within the next 100 years; this may lead to instances of water ingress into some low-lying land-masses).
The planet’s atmosphere, which extends to a height of 100 kilometres, is a mixture of 78.09% nitrogen, 20.95% oxygen, 0.93% argon and 0.039% carbon dioxide, with a further number of trace elements and up to 1% water vapour (note – this gaseous configuration can be altered to suit any perspective buyer’s particular atmospheric requirements, though it is recommended that a full Potential Impact Survey is conducted before any major atmospheric changes are undertaken). The planet is also fitted with a reliable magnetic field to prevent damage from solar winds (full maintenance history available on request), an ozone layer (recently repaired) to minimise solar UV radiation levels, and the planet’s Galactic Collision Risk Factor is rated as ‘very low’ (note – a rating of ‘very low’ does not preclude the potential for a catastrophic impact from a rogue comet or asteroid – potential buyers are advised to confirm the planet’s GCRF as part of their own, independent survey).
Structurally, the planet is built around a solid iron-nickel alloy core of approximately 1,200 kilometres diameter, surrounded by a liquid iron-nickel outer core. A large magma layer of molten rock and dissolved crystals and gases is encased in a standard outer crust of between 5 and 50 kilometres thick (note – outer crust thickness may vary and some areas remain prone to subsidence due to unsecured tectonic plates).
The planet’s surface is decorated to a high standard with a number of different land-masses of varying sizes set within a large and extensive planetary water-feature. On these different land-masses, the present owner has integrated different landforms and terrains with both global and micro-climates to create an extraordinary array of habitats for the wide variety of life-forms with which the present owner has populated the planet. (note – whilst the sale includes all indigenous life-forms, some species identified in previous surveys may no longer be present).
The planet is offered on either a residential or commercial basis.

Residential options include:

  • the creation of an exclusive private retreat for class J (super-massive) life-forms making use, for recreational purposes, of the presence of vast expanses of water, large polar regions of guaranteed snow and ice and extensive beaches with year-round sun (note – atmospheric density is not uniform and decreases with altitude, so a life- form height limit will apply);
  • the colonisation of Earth as a second-home planet for an expanding civilisation;
  • the re-location of a life-form from a current home planet that is facing destruction from a local supernova, black-hole or local galactic infrastructure development.
Commercial options include:

  • leisure - the exploitation for leisure purposes of the planet’s relatively benign climate, spectacular scenery, wide variety of interesting indigenous species and significant potential for activity-based recreation;
  • resource extraction – previous surveys have confirmed that the crust of the planet contains large deposits of silicon, aluminium, iron, sodium, potassium, chlorine, sulphur and titanium, as well as smaller quantities of boron, uranium, gold, silver, mercury, selenium and palladium (please note – previously estimated quantities of fossil fuels may have been recently depleted);
  • farming (arable or livestock) – whilst, at present, only 40% of the planet’s land-mass is used for the production of foodstuffs, it is estimated that, with some investment in land-mass re-structuring and improved irrigation of water-stressed areas, this could be increased to 85%. The installation of a global weather management system could further increase yields, and planning permission has been granted for the installation of a Rotational Axis Variation System, thus eliminating seasonal sunlight variation and associated weather extremes, and further enhancing potentials yields.
Also included in the offer is the planet’s single orbiting satellite (current designation ‘Moon’). Currently undeveloped and without atmosphere, this satellite, with an equatorial circumference of 10,920 kilometres, is in synchronous rotation with the Earth at a distance of between 356,400 and 406,700 kilometres (note - there are no planning restrictions in relation to this body and potential removal is an option; however, it is recommended that a full Potential Impact Survey is conducted before any major structural changes are undertaken). This satellite may provide useful additional storage, parking for several inter-galactic cruisers, or has the potential for conversion into a ‘Granny Flat’ or sublet.

To express your interest in the possible purchase of this planet, or to arrange a viewing, please contact one of our sales officers by the usual channels, quoting ‘Earth1’. We will be only too pleased to help you.


  1. This is the Earth ‘English language’ version of the Notice of Sale – other languages available on request;
  2. All values expressed in local units – conversion factors available on request;
  3. All data correct at time of publication;
  4. All data based on the most recent independent planetary survey conducted by the Office for Intergalactic Affairs - copy available on request;
  5. Moff, Cavil, Cotto and Associates are regulated by the Universal Property Purveyors Authority. Registration No. 045-012-345089
  6. Due to the present owner’s prolonged absence from the property over the last few millennia, the planet has developed an infestation of humanoid life-forms with a primitive industrial culture; however, the owner is willing to cover the costs of the removal of this infestation if the purchaser so desires. 

Remember, if you enjoyed this, there are six other utterly fantastic stories available for your delectation, all available for FREE from Autharium (just follow the link).