I've recently started work on my new literary project:
'The Peculiar Case of God vs Pratt'
and it was whilst I was writing the first couple of pages that a thought occurred to me (that does happen...occasionally)
How would people react to the idea of a competition, the prize for which would be the inclusion of their name, and their description, as a character in my new book?
Would the prospect of literary immortality appeal to them?
Would the prospect of coughing politely at a dinner party to attract attention and then swiftly saying (in a somewhat matter-of-fact, this-happens-to-me-all-the-time tone of voice): 'One of the characters in Andy Ritchie's recent inter-galactic bestseller is actually based on me' actually appeal to people?
Well, there is of course the serious risk that the dinner-party is awash with literary ignoramuses and that someone else at the dinner party (whom we shall call 'git') would turn around and laughingly say 'Who the fuck is Andy Ritchie?' at which point my competition winner will have experienced the dinner-party equivalent of a wedgie (definition below).
But there is also the possibility (nay, probability) that all the dinner-party attendees have themselves read (and marvelled at) the previous works of the Ritchiemeister and, in the moments following the utterance of '...is actually based on me', a silence befalls the table (broken only by the sound of a Brussels sprout dropping from a gaping mouth onto a plate), whereupon everyone turns in awe and disbelief, following which the women begin to offer themselves as sexual playthings for the remainder of eternity whilst the men grovel pitifully on the ground in complete and utter unworthiness (of course, the sexual plaything-thing could work the other way around, or any which way the competition winner's personal preferences may lean).
With such a possible prize to be had, the only question is:
What should I demand in order for it to be won?
Note - A wedgie occurs when a person's underwear or other garments are wedged between the buttocks. While a wedgie can be created naturally, the term is usually associated with a prank or as a form of bullying. When a person is on the receiving end of a wedgie, his or her underwear is forcibly pulled up by a second person.