Sunday, 10 August 2014

Tumble…? Oh, for f**k's sake!

There is, I hope, a dark and stinking, cockroach-infested pit in the deepest part of Hades for those people at the BBC (and at all the other channels) who seem hell-bent on subjecting us to an endless stream of utterly shite 'celebrity entertainment' programmes on Saturday evenings.
Personally, I'm sick to the back teeth and beyond with the never-ending procession of so-called celebrities on which these imagination-less TV executives spend the license-fee-payers hard earned cash…and whilst were on the subject, I reiterate my hatred at the way the word 'celebrity' has been bastardised so that where it once related to people or things that were genuinely worth celebrating, it is now a catch-all for that despicable breed of utterly vacuous, talentless, publicity-seeking parasites that seem to now exist solely as 'contestants' on such total bollocks as Celebrity Big Brother and I'm a Pointless Twat, Get Me out of Here!
If Strictly Come Dancing wasn't bad enough (and how I loathe to my core the way all the luvvies at the Beeb now refer to it as 'Strictly'), we also had all that fucking nonsense with ice skating (where Torvill & Dean sold their souls to Beelzebub).
And then, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse…?
Oh, for fuck's sake, spare me!
A bunch of has-beens, ex-whatevers and should-know-better sportspeople trying to master…what is it this time…?

It's no doubt the same formula as all the other crap we've been subjected to for the last God-knows-how-long. Tedious footage of the contestants and their trainers (whom several will no doubt be allegedly shagging by the end of the series, because gossip creates interest creates viewers) - then the 'prance off', followed by the mindless ramblings of pompous, preening, self-important judges before some supposedly momentous final decision (about which no-one really gives a shit)…but, of course, not before there's that utterly infuriating ten-seconds-too-long pause that is supposed to build tension but only results in people eventually shouting 'Oh, for fuck's sake, get on with it!' at the TV. On Celebrity Masterchef, a 'pause for effect' in the last series actually lasted two minutes and twenty seconds, I swear to God!!
Oh, and don't forget the voting...

So what's next, you begin to wonder? What else can those tits at the BBC, ITV and Channel 4 come up with for 'celebrities' to have a go at for our supposed delectation and entertainment?
Well, at the risk of someone actually taking one of these seriously, here are my suggestions:
Bleed - a group of celebrities are invited to work in A&E and are judged on their abilities to stitch up wounds, take blood, mop up vomit and do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Coffin - oh, how we'll laugh as we watch our celebrities have a go at undertaking.
Plod - after three weeks 'intensive' training, a group of ten celebrities are kitted out with a nightstick and a  whistle and asked to deal with drunken louts and tarts on Saturday nights in a selection of Britain's inner cities. Guest judge will be John Stalker.
Boom - 13 celebrities have a go at mastering the art of bomb disposal. At the end of each show there's a  live IED for the celebrities to defuse…possibly no need for judges, as it'll be pretty obvious as to who hasn't got it right!
Air - a dozen celebs learn how to keep the planes from crashing into each other in the skies over Heathrow.
Feel free to suggest your own!