Showing posts with label world cup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label world cup. Show all posts

Friday, 11 July 2014

The Meaning of LiFIFA - England World Cup 2014 Edition

It's the World Cup Final this weekend (preceded by the utterly pointless 3rd-4th Place play-off), and my money's on Germany (which undoubtedly means Argentina will be raising the trophy come Sunday evening!)
In honour of what I hope will be rip-roaring 8-7 victory to Germany on penalties (after the match finishes 3-3 in normal time and 5-5 after extra time, with 3 players sent off!), I have decided to resurrect the hugely popular  Meaning of LiFIFA, this time with an England Edition.
I could pretend that I had two versions of this England World Cup 2014 Edition drafted - one for when England won the tournament (or at least got the knock-out stages), and one for the real world. Needless to say, it's the real world version that takes pride of place on the blog.
So, here goes:

HODGSON (vb.)
To continue to doggedly follow a plan even though all the indications are that it simply isn't working.


Example of usage - extract from a copy of Winston Churchill's unpublished manuscript 'How I Would Have Fought The Great War': At Ypres, Sir John French hodgsoned, wasting the lives of thousands of his troops.


GERRARD (adj.)
Understatedly excited - derived from the many news conferences where Stephen Gerrard explained how 'excited' he was to be at the World Cup in a monotone Scouse drawl which suggested he'd rather be spending his time (and his money) on a beach somewhere.


Example of usage - 'The boy was cock-a-hoop at winning the prize, but decided to act all Gerrard.'


ROONEY (vb.)
To criticise your dejected fans for your own shit performance (applicable to all Wayne Rooney world cup appearances)


Example of usage - words aren't needed here - just have a look at this video and then tell me this isn't an arrogant twat!


HART (adj.)
To be distracted - derived from spending too much time making adverts for shampoo instead of working on the critical goalkeeping skill of preventing the ball from going into your goal.


Example of usage - 'Sorry, what were you saying? I went all Hart there for a moment.'


BOBBY MOORE (adj.)
Something to be proud of; a fine example of something
Majestic, honorable, resolute, determined



Example of usage - 'That new wall I've just built, well it's just Bobby Moore, innit.'

If you have any further suggestions, feel free to comment.

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Why were Brazil so bad? I have the answer!

Well, I watched it and I have to admit, I'm gob-smacked.
Whichever way you look at it, 7-1, at home, is a monumental thumping…and the 1 only came in the 90th minute…and only after Germany had missed a glorious chance to make it 8…



Anyway, whilst countless TV and newspaper pundits have all gone into frenzied analyses, blaming the absence of Neymar and Thiago Silva, bemoaning Brazil's 'lack of shape' (whatever that means) and shaking their heads solemnly at their inability to 'function as a unit' (whatever that means as well), I'd like to put forward an alternative theory as to why Brazil were so utterly, utterly shit:
It's all about the names.

I mean, just look at some of the fantastic names that won the World Cup for Brazil in 1970:
Pele, Carlos Alberto, Rivelino, Jairzinho

Then there's that awesome team that should have won the 1982 World Cup (but got their pockets picked by Italy's Paulo Rossi):
Socrates, Zico, Falcao, Batista, Edevaldo

And what about the 1994 World Cup winning team:
Ronaldo, Bebeto, Romario, Zinho, Leonardo

And in 2002, when they won it again, we had the likes of:
Rivaldo (though he's a bit of a knob! refer to my post on 16th June for details), Ronaldinho, Gilberto Silva, Roberto Carlos and the excellently named Vampeta

Now, compare those fabulous, evocative names with those we saw at the Belo Horizonte last night:
FRED, OSCAR, BERNARD, JO and, perhaps the most ridiculous of all, HULK

They are just crap names, aren't they? They certainly don't strike fear into the hearts of the opposition; I mean, Fred and Oscar are characters on Sesame Street, for fuck's sake!! And no-one but no-one should be allowed to use the name Hulk unless they are eight feet tall, green, angry and generally beating the shit out of an oil tanker.

So, my advice to the Brazilian footballing authorities is simple. Get to grips with the names which players adopt and apply these three simple rules:
1. All names must end in a vowel (and no, Jo doesn't count based on rule number 2) - let's face it, it's a millions times better when a commentator screams 'Rivelinooooooooooooo' as the ball hits the back of the net than it is when they try to do it with 'Bernardddddddddd' - go on, try it for yourself.
2. All names must have at least two syllables, but no more than four. Never just one.
3. The only exception to rules 1 & 2 - when the guy actually looks like he could be a Greek Philosopher!

Socrates



Sunday, 22 June 2014

Getting the Time Right

Continuing my recent spate of (popular) football related posts in honour of the ongoing World Cup, I've decided to have a dig at that aspect of The Beautiful Game which probably causes more angst and dismay than any other:
Time Wasting.



Now I was going to spend a little bit of time going into all those intensely annoying techniques whereby professional footballers frustratingly whittle away the seconds (and so deny the paying public of what it is they've actually come to watch i.e. football!), but instead I'm going to point you towards a blog which has already done that in a very comprehensive way indeed:

15 time wasting tactics in football

This gives me the opportunity to offer up my grand master-plan for eliminating this annoying aspect once and for all.
Stop The Clock!
Sounds simple, doesn't it, and in a way, it is.
All you need is a guy with a stopwatch (or, for the more sophisticated level of the game, a guy in the stand with a finger linked to a big clock!) who's been given a set of simple rules:

  • when the ball goes out of play (for a throw-in or goal-kick), stop the clock.
  • when the ball goes back in play, start the clock.
  • when the referee blows his whistle for a foul, stop the clock.
  • when the free kick/penalty is taken, start the clock.
  • when the substitution is being made, the clock is stopped.
Each half of football will be reduced to thirty minutes (giving us an hour of actual play), which equates nicely with the rough average of 56 minutes of actual football in a current 90 minute match.
It also means that, at the end of each half, there will be a clear and unequivocal understanding of how long is left to play (so no more Fergie-time!)
It will also do away with players feigning injuries, kicking the ball away, last minute substitutions to run down the clock…in fact, many of the things which really piss the viewing public off.

Are you listening, Sepp?
Are you?






Thursday, 19 June 2014

Introducing the FIFA All Stars

Well, much to my surprise, my last few posts ('The Ugly Truth about The Beautiful Game' and 'The Meaning of LiFIFA 1, 2 & 3)' have turned out to be my most successful posts in terms of the number of page visits and the number of comments. (Thanks to everyone who's shown an interest and commented - you're all fabulous!)
So, in a cheap and tawdry effort to continue this increased traffic on my blog, I've decided to go for another football related post, one which I am sure will appeal not only to the money-grabbers at FIFA but also, perhaps, to a couple of billion football fans whose teams didn't make it to the spectacle in Brazil.



The FIFA All Stars.
It's a simple enough idea.
23 players chosen from all those countries that didn't qualify (no more than 2 players per country though) and managed by a special 'guest' manager (I'm thinking Fergie or The Special One).
Just think about it - that's potentially 23 more countries (and their fanbase) with a vested interest in the World Cup, which, in turn, means 23 more countries for TV rights, advertising, replica shirt sales, etc, etc. You'd have a player from China there, that's for sure!

But looking beyond the money and thinking just about the football (which I guess counts the guys from FIFA out), just consider if they'd had the FIFA All Stars in the past, then we'd have been able to see the likes of George Best, George Weah and Ryan Giggs strutting their stuff on the biggest footballing stage in the world - how genuinely cool would that have been.

So who thinks this is a fantastic idea?
Do you think Sepp and his buddies will cut me in for 10%?
And if you do, who should be in the FIFA All Stars squad for this World Cup?

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

The Meaning of LiFIFA - Part 3

Remember the Matrix trilogy - it started well (even though it did have Keanu Reeves in it), but then it started to go downhill at such a rate that by the time the third film came along, no-one had a bloody clue what the f*ck was going on and everyone was convinced that the producers were just trying to squeeze everything they could out of an idea before they eventually shot it in the head.
Well, my new footballing vocabulary is nothing like that, because it's just going to run and run and run, irrespective of whether anyone still understands it - like Lost.

POLL (n.) - medical term (latin name - numeratus nobus)
A sudden, inexplicable inability to differentiate between the numbers 2 and 3.


Example of usage - 'I went to buy ice creams for the children, suffered a Poll, and ended up buying one too many!'


PEPE (vb.)
To Zidane someone (not necessarily Italian) when the recipient is seated.




VINNIE (vb.)
To crush something e.g. nuts.


Example of usage - 'Ow. I've just Vinnied my finger in the door. Get me some witch hazel.'


GREEN (adj.)
Something that should be impenetrable but, when tested, is found to be dangerously flawed.


Example of usage - The Green Zone in Baghdad.


GAZZA
1. (vb.) To weep.
2. (adj.) Pissed.



Examples of usage:
1. Having grazed her knee, Emma gazzaed loudly.
2. After seven pints of lager, Frank was well and truly gazza-ed.'


NAYIM (n.)
A bizarre sexual act where ejaculant is thrown great distances.


Etymology - word is thought to have originated in Paris in the mid-1990s

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

The Meaning of LiFIFA - Part 2

Following the somewhat stunning success (in terms of comments and page views) of yesterday's initial 'The Meaning of LiFIFA' I have, like all good Hollywood producers, decided to try and mine this rich seam for as long as I possibly can, even with the knowledge that it is likely to be subject to the law of diminishing returns. I have therefore produced another set of new additions to the footballing vocabulary. - see below.
If it's anywhere near as successful as the first one, I'll keep on going until I either run out of ideas or you guys out there become bored with it all (that's right, a bit like Heroes).


MWEPU (n.)
A mental aberration, moment of madness


Example of usage - 'You'll have to forgive him, Archdeacon. He's clearly had a Mwepu. I'll get him to pull his trousers up now.'


CANTONA (n.)
Vengeance - derived from the little known Gallic version of the Greek goddess of divine retribution, Nemesis.


Example of usage - from an early draft of Samuel L Jackson's soliloquy in Pulp Fiction, by Quentin Tarantino: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and a furious Cantona those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.
The reference to Cantona was dropped amid fears that it wouldn't be understood in Skipton.


BLATTER (vb.)
To smooth the way (usually through coercion, intimidation or other nefarious means).
BLATTER (n.)
To be impervious to criticism, to not give a shit.


Example of usage (vb.) - 'I've just Blattered my teacher into giving me an A*' 
Example of usage (n.) - From FIFA's official nursery rhyme: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but nothing else will matter. I've got the job, I'm keeping it because I'm simply Blatter.


SUAREZ (n.)
Little known Uruguayan delicacy consisting of the the fleshy forearm of a Serbian. Best eaten raw, apparently.



DICANIO (adj.)
Irrelevant. Something that can be easily dismissed (like a red card from a referee).


Example of usage - 'I don't care what you think about my decision to shave off all my pubic hair. Your  opinion is Dicanio.'


ALCOCK (vb.) 
To stagger back comically and fall over like a big pussy.


CHILES (vb.)
To talk utter bollocks e.g. 'It's pouring down and the ref is enjoying his moment in the sun'


Example of usage - 'The missus won't stop Chilesing while the football is on!'



Saturday, 14 June 2014

The Ugly Truth about The Beautiful Game

Let's gone one thing straight.
Football is corrupt.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is either pitifully deluded or monumentally naive.

We've seen two examples of the superficial corruption of football in the last few days.
Firstly, there is the ongoing saga of the award of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar and the alleged greasing of a number of FIFA palms by one Mohamed Bin Hamman. Of course, Sepp Blatter and his cronies will no doubt continue to argue that a desert state, where summer temperatures are in the high 40s, which has no footballing pedigree and, at the time the world cup was awarded (before they shipped in a load of migrants and put them to work in conditions not unlike the Pharaohs used to consider best practice) no stadia, was the right and proper choice for the greatest footballing event in the world. And we won't even go into whether it should have gone to Russia in 2018!
Secondly, there was the decision by referee Nishimura to award a penalty to Brazil after 70 minutes of the opening match and, in so doing, go a long way to ensuring a much needed, morale-boosting victory for the host nation. Now everyone will have a view on whether there was sufficient contact for the amusingly named Brazilian striker Fred to go down as theatrically as he did, and everyone will have a view on whether the referee should have considered that to be worthy of a penalty or perhaps, more appropriately, a booking for the Brazilian for 'simulation' (or, as we Up North would call it, cheating). Conspiracy theorists will be able to argue long into the night about whether the referee had been 'nobbled', or whether he was looking to 'make his mark' on the game, or whether he was just too weak to pass up the chance to ingratiate himself with thousands of baying onlookers…who knows? But the fact remains that the instantaneous decision of one man, taken in the heat of the moment, more or less dictated the result of that game, a situation which, with all the technology now at the disposal of world sport, is simply unforgivable (and is, again, another example of the 'corruption' in football). In tennis, it is now possible to review where a ball travelling at 150 mph landed in relation to a painted line to an accuracy of a couple of millimetres - and yet in football they can't even determine with any certainty whether a player is offside (maybe because they're not even sure what the offside rule really is!!). For the last decade in rugby, it has been possible to review whether the ball has touched the ground and a try should be awarded - but in football, they've only just introduced the technology to figure out whether the ball has crossed the goal-line (four years too late for Frank Lampard and England!). And why, when it comes to critical decisions like penalty awards and goals being scored, why is it still beyond the wit of those who run football to pause the game, refer it to someone upstairs who has all this technology at their disposal, and take the time to get the decision right (like they do in cricket, for example…and please, spare me the argument about the third umpire still getting it wrong…it doesn't wash)?
Perhaps it's because the powers that be in 'the beautiful game' want the ambiguity and the uncertainty, because it makes the game easier to manipulate…



But there's one form of corruption of football that is, in my humble opinion, more insidious than either the grubby money grabbers at FIFA or the technological luddites…at FIFA. And this is becoming ingrained in the sport from the ridiculously paid 'professionals' right down the kids have a kick-about with jumpers for goalposts.
You see, my simplistic idea of sport is that it's about individuals, or a group of individuals, seeking acclaim and reward from their peers through the demonstration of natural talent, hard-earned skills, mental and physical toughness, and the strength of their determination to succeed. And all that is good, and should be encouraged, because these are the facets of mankind that push us all forward and make us all better.
But something has crept into sport in general, and into football most particularly, that has 'corrupted' this purist ideal.
The 'art' of deception.
It is no longer certain that a football team that has the most talented players, who have reached the peak of fitness, and who are managed by the most able football strategist, will be triumphant.
Why?
Because as Fred so ably demonstrated, even the best team can be defeated by those who have mastered the art of deception, have honed to perfection the ability to fool a gullible or corrupt official into awarding a penalty in the way that Fred managed to do, or getting another player sent-off by feigning a football hitting you in the face and rolling around as if you've been shot by a sniper (yes, I mean you, Rivaldo!!).
In other words, if you cheat better than everyone else, you'll probably win, and that, as a message to the wider world, is simply wrong.
And what's worse is the fact that when such blatant cheating takes place, no-one stands up and says 'Hey, that Fred who plays for Brazil, he's just a fucking cheat!!' Instead, pundits on television and in the newspapers and online use derisible euphemisms like 'he earned the penalty' or 'he drew the contact'. No, morons, what he did was gain an advantage by deceiving the referee and that, in anyone's book, is simply cheating…and I was always taught that Cheaters Never Prosper.
So if we fail to decry cheating when we see it, and if we begin to consider the ability to earn a free kick by throwing oneself on the floor and rolling around whilst screaming in agony, to be as important to success as dribbling or shooting or tackling, then the sport of football has succumb to the worst kind of corruption and I, for one, will simply stop watching it, because I prefer to watch something where the best of us is what counts, not the worst.